Here we go again. A young woman has accused comedian and actor Aziz Ansari of sexually aggressive behavior. Only this time people are siding with the celebrity and not the victim. Was it a bad date or sexual misconduct?
aziz ansiri’s bad date
As reported on the website Babe, “Grace” went on a first date with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari. After their dinner, Grace chose to return with Ansari to his home.
Here is what she reports happened:
- Ansari started kissing her almost immediately after entering his apartment
- He touched her breasts
- He started undressing her
- Ansari started undressing himself
- He told her he was going to go grab a condom
- He performed oral sex on her
- Ansarai tried to “finger” her
- He repeatedly asked, “Where do you want me to fuck you?”
- He pointed at his penis and motioned for her to perform oral sex
- Ansari pushed his penis against her behind in a sexual motion
- He interrupted her when she tried to talk by forcefully kissing her
- When she made attempts to move away, he followed her.
bad date, awkward sexual encounter, or sexual misconduct?
Let’s take a moment to examine the differences between a bad date, an awkward sexual encounter, and sexual misconduct.
a bad date:
- Your date is boring
- The conversation is forced or there is awkward silence
- You are repulsed by their personal habits
- The thought of touching the person gives you the heebie-jeebies
- You have nothing in common
- You would rather be at home dyeing your hair
an awkward sexual encounter:
- You are caught in a sexual situation by a third party
- Your date obviously fakes an orgasm
- He can’t perform
- Your sexual partner calls out another person’s name
- Your cat or dog jumps up on the bed while you are going at it
- You fart in the middle of sex
- Pressuring, tricking, or emotionally forcing someone to engage in sex
- Attempting to incapacitate someone so they are more likely to consent to sex
- Unwelcome sexual advances
- Requests for sexual behavior
- Sexual touching, fondling or groping
- Exposing genitalia, breast, buttocks or other intimate body parts
- Unwanted penetration of a body part by another body part or an object
Now go back and read Grace’s account of her date with Aziz Ansari. Was it a bad date or sexual misconduct?
it wasn’t aziz ansari’s fault – it was his date’s
There has been no shortage of commentary on news outlets and social media about the Aziz Ansari incident. Overwhelmingly, the comments have excused Ansari’s behavior and placed blame on his date.
Why did she go to his apartment in the first place?
Why didn’t she just get up and leave?
If you are asked to go back to someone’s house after a date & lots of drinking- what exactly are you expecting to happen?
Where was the power struggle in this situation?
I would never victim shame, but this woman was not held against her will.
She never vocalized “No.” Celebrity or not, those are hard signals to read
why i am uncomfortable with your reaction to aziz ansiri
By blowing off Aziz Ansari’s behavior as nothing more than a bad date or an awkward sexual encounter, we don’t have to admit that we have experienced sexual misconduct.
We can continue to fool ourselves into believing that the aggressive, inappropriate sexual behavior we experience is nothing more than a bad date or awkward sex.
But it isn’t. It is sexual misconduct.
But we don’t want to admit that it happens to us. We don’t want to be a victim.
So instead we blame Grace for not yelling “NO!” or walking away, because we wish that were what we did.
But the truth is, we didn’t.
We felt uncomfortable, scared, and maybe even frozen.
We struggled with what to do.
As women, we are taught not to make waves. Instead, we smile our way through awkward situations.
And we fear that if we shout “NO!” or try to run out, our date will chase after us and things will get worse.
Because in virtually every male/female dating situation, it is the man who holds power.
And when we got home we do what Grace did. We take a bath and thank God that we didn’t get raped.
How about we stop blaming women for not walking away.
Instead, let’s blame the men who expect sex on a first date. And let’s hold them accountable for their sexual misconduct.